


Reason(s) For Visit

by merlywhirls



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Depressing tbh, Gen, Lie Low At Lupins, MWPP, OotP, POA, This killed me, maruaders era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-11
Updated: 2014-05-11
Packaged: 2018-01-24 08:28:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1598300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlywhirls/pseuds/merlywhirls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus tried to see Sirius while he was in Azkaban. He was just always denied.</p><p>warning: talk of death, scars (self inflicted/werewolfism), imprisonment, abuse</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reason(s) For Visit

_Submitter's Information_

It only took a few hours to leave Remus completely alone in the world.

His three best friends were dead.

And Sirius…

His nephew was taken away. Not that it was likely Remus could care for Harry, but the lack of consideration stung. He would have been godfather too if the Ministry had allowed it.

_Name: Remus John Lupin_

The Dursley’s looked like a sullen lot, and the first time Remus hung around to watch the front of 4 Privet Drive, he was joined by a cat. He left before she could see him cry.

He wrote letters to Dumbledore. He visited Dumbledore. But no amount of pleading would sway him to allow Remus to see _him_.

“You know, I don’t even need to ask for your permission.” Remus had said.

"Then why do you?” Dumbledore replied, and the sparkling blue eyes were swimming with pity. It made Remus’ blood boil.

“Because I don’t understand,” Remus said heatedly, “Why you would allow him to be convicted without trial.”

“It’s not my decision.” Dumbledore wouldn’t look him in the eye. Remus suspected he couldn’t.

“I’m going to the Ministry,” Remus stated, burning holes in the top of Dumbledore’s head, “I was hoping your previous place on the Wizengamot would give me advantage. Apparently not. I’m submitting an application to see him myself.”

And so he did.

_Occupation: Unemployed_

He filled the first one out a fortnight after Sirius was imprisoned.

He had spent that fortnight mourning, packing, and trying not to think about anything at all.

The Morning After, when Remus was told everything by McGonagall at his front door, _their_ front door, that was probably the last time he felt like he was living. Everything after that was blurred grey emotion, sadness taking over and residing snuggly in his heart.

When McGonagall left, and it was just Remus alone with their things, he thought about the long, desperate kiss Sirius had given him before going out the previous night. He'd told Remus, _Order business_.

When Remus saw his leather jacket hung over the whicker chair in their room, his stomach dropped and his heart broke again.

It was never Order business. Sirius knew, and he was saying goodbye.

Remus didn't understand why he wasn't allowed that luxury.

Remus had slipped the jacket on, the sleeves falling over his knuckles, and he slumped into the whicker chair Sirius used so Remus could have the entire bed after a full moon. He hugged the jacket tightly around him, and it smelled of motor oil.

He wore it for days. When McGonagall came back to see how he was doing, she didn't mention it. Remus was glad.

_Current Address: N/A. Residing at Lunar Shelter for Men_

The Shelter wasn't so bad. Order missions meant that Remus had to live with other werewolves for some time, and their metallic scent and general lack of hygiene no longer bothered him. They could still smell Padfoot on the leather jacket, however, so closer to the full moon Remus had to hide it. They didn't take well to strangers in the pack.

Three days before the full moon, Remus found a note in the jacket's pocket.

 

_Padfoot-_

_We'll be there soon. We're coming to get you. We are not leaving you._

_I'm not leaving you there, Sirius. I promise._

_Moony._

 

Remus remembered fifth year, the panic attack Sirius tried to hide on the Express back home for summer, but he would only let James near. He remembered talking to Sirius through the toilet door, trying to comfort him, but only James could get him to come out.

They were able to assure him that the three of them would bombard Grimmauld place with invitations demanding to let Sirius visit them. If that failed, Mrs Potter would go to Grimmauld place herself and physically remove Sirius if she had to.

_Blood Status: Half-Blood_

When the time came, the three boys stormed Grimmauld place too. Walburga nearly threw Sirius out to make Remus leave.

_Being Classification: Werewolf_

The full moons were the worst times, lonely despite the pack the Shelter provided. Moony missed all of his friends. Remus did too.

He had nearly forgotten what it was like to have to cover up the scars. Everyone in the Order had known, and accepted it, so Remus could spend summer days cooped up in the board room with just a tee shirt on, finally care free about the marks that shined on his arms. There weren't many scars at the point, and the one thick line that trailed from his wrist up his forearm was often softened with light touches and kisses. The memory just made Remus sad.

His first pay check from an independent journalist stint for the Daily Prophet went towards a white dress shirt and blazer. After his first failed job interview, the armpits were stained yellow.

_Inmate Information_

_Inmate's Name: ~~Pad~~ Sirius Orion Black_  

Remus went to the funeral. He recognised Petunia Evans - _Dursley_ , Remus had to remind himself - but her husband was not with her, and she did not bring Harry.

There weren't many people, no one from the Order or Hogwarts. People were too scared that Voldemort would turn up at his crime scene, and others just didn't want to see the house.

When Remus asked Petunia why she hadn't brought Harry, she nearly spat in his face, demanding to know who he was, and if he was one of _them_. Remus knew of Petunia's dislike towards wizards, so he stepped down, and that was the last he had to do with the Dursleys or Harry until the boy was thirteen.

_Convicted Of: Fifteen counts of murder. One attempted._

The house was broken. That was the best Remus' mind could conjure at the sight, just a broken house that once held a family, now only memories soured by the ashes. The flowers he helped Lily grow were gone, engulfed by flames and withered of their own free will. No one wanted to live there anymore.

A plaque was already erected out the front. Remus thought it tactless, but smiled when he considered that James would love it. He could almost hear his friend's voice in his head.

_"I reckon they should change it to a statue of me wrestling a lion with the inscription: James Potter and Lily Evans, The Most Handsome Couple in the Universe, Struck Down Too Soon. Long May James Be Remembered For His Awesome Quidditch Skills and Dastardly Good Looks."_

_"It's a bit long, Prongs."_

_"And that's just the opening statement, my good man."_

Remus didn't let the fantasy go any further, and pulling out his wand, carved into the plaque, and started a tradition that would outlive them all.

_May Prongs and Lily ride again._

_Relationship to Inmate: ~~Friend~~ ~~best friend~~ ~~partn~~ **boyfriend**_

Peter had been the least comfortable with it, but after a few months his unease transformed into annoyance as _would they please, just for one hour, not make out or anything? We need to complete this map for crying out loud._

James told them that he had suspected it for years. Remus highly doubted it, yet he still didn't know what James and Sirius spoke about in James' four poster bed when they thought the other two were asleep.

When Seventh Year started, Sirius was the happiest Remus had ever seen him. Seeing Sirius happy made Remus happy (it made everyone happy, really; Sirius' dark moods could cloud the entire dormitory), and with the happiness came assurance that it could finally happen.

When they kissed for the first time, Remus confessed it wasn't the first really, not according to his own imagination, and Sirius laughed and agreed with him. It wasn't the first, not really, as they had danced around it for years.

"Wouldn't have worked before," Sirius muttered into his lips, and Remus nodded. "We would destroy each other."

Sirius had his abusive home, Remus had his lycanthropy choking him every day, but now those things were gone, as Sirius was free and Remus was at ease with his own being.

"Misery does not love company," Remus whispered, and they kissed until they fell asleep.

_Reason(s) for Visit: To say goodbye_

His first application was denied, sent back to him and stamped with angry red letters. As was his second, third, and every application he ever filled out. He was allowed to submit an application twice per year. Remus was refused twenty-four times.

_Reason(s) for Visit: To find out the truth_

The Ministry said that Sirius Black was too dangerous to see visitors.

_Reason(s) for Visit: To understand why_

One letter from the Ministry told him that Dementors acted peculiarly to werewolves, but Remus knew that was a load of bullshit. The letter was signed by Dolores Umbridge.

_Reason(s) for Visit: Because I miss him_

In the first few years, when he still had hope that they would approve his visit, Remus practiced his patronus charm, just incase Umbridge wasn't bullshitting. His happy memories would dissipate when his patronus charm looked just like Padfoot.

After that, filling out the forms just felt like routine. The secretary started greeting him by his first name after the third year.

_Reason(s) for Visit: I can't remember where I left my keys_

On the tenth anniversary of the Event, Sirius' face was plastered on all the front pages, screaming at him and shaking against his shackles. Remus did not recognise this man.

He called in sick for work that day.

_Reason(s) for Visit: I couldn't get ten down on the cross word. Was hoping he could help me_

When Dumbledore hired him to work as the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Remus didn't need to submit any applications. It both relieved and terrified him.

When he saw Sirius in the Shack, seeing him for the first time in twelve years, it still felt like a denied application. When he touched him, held him to his body, it felt distant, but smothering at the same time.

When Peter got away, and Sirius had to run again, Remus could feel the angry red letters stamped across his soul.

_Denied._

Paw prints leading to his front door a year later felt too good to be true, and Remus forced his heart to still, forced his mind not to wander, this was just an ordinary evening, there was no dog waiting for him inside.

And there wasn't. There was no dog, but a man, dried blood cracked on his chin and his clothes hanging like rags on a skeleton. Sirius had aged terribly, and looked worse than what he did in the Shack. Remus imagined he didn't look much better himself.

He was standing at Remus' tiny, termite eaten kitchen table, shuffling through a folder, and when Remus realised what it was his breath caught in his throat.

They hadn't spoken since the Shack, they could not risk it, and Remus felt the regret of not telling Sirius weigh heavily on him.

_Reason(s) for Visit: Bed is cold_

"I tried," Remus' voice cracked, and it was only then that Sirius even noticed that he was home.

_Reason(s) for Visit: None of the other dogs like me_

"I tried so hard." Remus tried not to cry. "But they wouldn't let me in."

Sirius looked him in the eye, soft grey like Remus remembered and forgot at the same time, and he whispered, "I know, love."

They both moved simultaneously, clashing into each other, clinging desperately and crying.

"But I promised," Remus whispered frantically, "I promised I would never leave you."

"You didn't," Sirius soothed, and Remus thought it absurd, that Sirius was the one that spent over a decade in the world's worst prison, but Remus was the one being comforted.

Falling back into place was seamless. They had too much time away from each other, too much time to age prematurely to hold grudges. They each thought the other a traitor at some point, and they had acknowledged and accepted that, and so the only way to go was forward.

But the Order was back in business, and Remus got in touch with old friends from the Men's Shelter, making keeping promises hard.

"I will come back to get you. I promise."

Sirius would only nod, kiss the scar on his forearm.

Watching Sirius fall through the veil and holding back a smaller version of James in his arms, the angry stamps came crashing down like tidal waves and drowning Remus in the too familiar feeling of loneliness and misery.

After that, dying didn't feel so different from when he was living.

_Reason(s) for Visit: I'm in love with him._

 

**Author's Note:**

> [ _More Reason(s) For Visit_ ](http://grumpy-moony.tumblr.com/post/98453136970/more-reason-s-for-visit-to-say-good-bye-to)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Reason(s) For Visit](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12265065) by [Wereflamingo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wereflamingo/pseuds/Wereflamingo)




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